can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
