I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
