I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
