The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
