Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
