The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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