I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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