you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
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On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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