I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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