I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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