he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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