i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
