i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
