at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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