I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
