My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
