no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
