She is in my trunk
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
