There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like a drive thru vagina
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
