I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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