its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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