I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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