I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
