I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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