My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
