Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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