hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
