Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize