I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
she told me i tasted like america
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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