So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
