How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
