u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
