Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
