Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
