Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
