Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
