boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
