Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
