I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.