My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
