my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.