i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is