I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a