Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
