Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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