In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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