Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
