Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
