Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
