i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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