I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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