if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
