I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
