It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
