Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
