I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
