You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
