WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
