that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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